Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
