time to smoke my breakfast
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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