I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
