I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
