drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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