I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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