I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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