I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
