There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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