I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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