but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
