JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
