I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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