Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
