I checked into jail on foursquare
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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