My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
