I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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