you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
