im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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