i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
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