There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
