Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
