I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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