Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
