God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
