she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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