i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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