Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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