I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
