omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Randomize
