Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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