so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
