dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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