I just threw up on my dentist
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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