My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
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