If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
