all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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