lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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