so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
