he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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