OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize