I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
