Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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