Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
