Umm I'm too high to move.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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