Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
