So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize