just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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