Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
