i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
