I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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