He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
