Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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