Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
